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Thursday, July 31, 2003 THE HIT FACTORYwould you believe that i’ve had my latest IPOD for over three months and i’ve downloaded only 3748 songs onto it ? it holds 7500, and i’ve tried my damnedest to fill her up, pronto. today, i downloaded (from my personal collection) 31 of my favorite STREISAND songs into a playlist called BARBRA PLEASE, PLEASE BARBRA ! currently, the playlist i most often listen to is STOCK-AITKEN-WATERMAN, the late 80’s english hitmakers who created the most infectious pop melodies since HOLLAND-DOZIER-HOLLAND. i have alot of the recordings they produced, but a big chunk of them never made it to THE STATES. here’s a list of my favorite S.A.W. recordings: LONNIE GORDON: “if i have to stand alone” “happening all over again” RICK ASTLEY: “take me to your heart” “i don’t want to lose her” “till then” “she wants to dance with me” KYLIE: “got to be certain” “always find the time” “better the devil you know” BANANARAMA: “love, truth & honesty” “i heard a rumour” “ain’t no cure” DEAD OR ALIVE: “hooked on love” “my heart goes bang” “brand new lover” “something in my house” “you spin me around” MEL & KIM: “respectable” “I’m the one who really loves you” “showin’ out” DONNA SUMMER: “this time i know it’s for real” “love’s about to change my heart” “sentimental” “if it makes you feel good” BOYKRAZY: “one thing leads to another” “that’s what love can do” “good times with bad boys” “on a wing and a prayer” PRINCESS: “say i’m your number one” JASON DONOVAN: “too many broken hearts” LaTOYA JACKSON: “just say no” STEPS: “last thing on my mind” . | Permalink Tuesday, July 29, 2003 MAKE-UP TIP OF THE WEEKi had brunch with THIS MAKE-UP MASTER on sunday and he turned me on to my new favorite product from the M.A.C. store . it’s a black pencil called SMOLDER, and it’s used to create the perfect “smoky eye” look. a must-have for guys who want that “rock star/heroin look”, because it smudges easy and it stays dark and opaque. . | Permalink “MY NECK, MY BACK, MY PUSSY & MY CRACK”today is the one year anniversary of my back surgery, and everything still feels terrific. my only regret is that i didn’t also have my face lifted and my tits done. . | Permalink Friday, July 25, 2003 ANT EATERtonight, i saw the film 28 DAYS LATER, and it scared the living shit out of me. i almost didn’t see it, after i read a user comment/review on IMDB.COM, but then i remembered that the user comments on that web site suck ass. one welcome surprise in the movie is the appearance of CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON, who also played NICOLE KIDMAN’S dead hubby in THE OTHERS. he’s such a hot motherfucker. when he was on the screen, all i could think about was his uncut english cock. . | Permalink Thursday, July 24, 2003 BROWN EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUYeverytime i watch THE NEW TNN, i get a little insulted when i hear their slogan “the first network for men”. in reality, it’s a man’s world and most tv networks are for men. who are they trying to fool ? it’s like saying “finally, a talk radio host with a right-wing republican point of view” or “at last, a black NBA star”. i guess what gets my goat is that TNN’S tag line implies that men have long been the underdog, when it comes to network programming, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. . | Permalink Monday, July 21, 2003 EAT A PITAit took me a couple of days to recover from the all day “drag-goon” session i did on wednesday. gettin’ all dolled up, cinched in, pushed together, plucked out, close shaved and tucked back, ain’t the most comfortable way to spend 10 hours. still, i had a terrific time and i wouldn’t have changed a thing. oh, and i remember one other thing from the JACK IN THE BOX shoot that had us all laughing. TOM had come back to my trailer after having overheard a woman at the craft service table say to another woman “i’ve been a fan of RuPaul, ever since i heard he was into PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals)”. i told TOM that the woman must have misunderstood what she had heard, because i’m not into PETA, but i am into pita bread. i could eat a falafel everyday, if i had to. ironically, that same day, i noticed xeroxed handwritten signs posted around my neighborhood that read “coyotes are eating our cats”. CHICKS WITH DICKS saturday, i drove an hour east of L.A to SAN BERNARDINO, where my sister had a barbecue for my nephew’s 12th birthday. all of my sisters were there, and we agreed that next year we would have a “black-mitzvah” for his 13th birthday. later that night, back in THE CITY OF ANGELS, i was the guest of BILLY B. at the DIXIE CHICKS concert. BILLY is very close with the girls, so we had great seats and backstage passes. the DIXIE CHICKS concert was awesome and amazing, but BILLY and i couldn’t keep our eyes off the DRUNKEN CHICKS in the audience. 300 pounds in a pair of hip huggers and a tub top, carefully walking down the stairs with a basket of nachos in one hand and a 16 ounce of beer in the other... that’s fuckin’ HOT !!! by the end of the sold-out concert, the whole audience was wasted. i couldn’t help but think, who’s gonna drive these people home ? THE CRUCIBLE i just got back from seeing a documentary called CAPTURING THE FRIEDMANS. it was completely riveting and totally shocking. GOD forbid you should ever be the target of a lynch mob...be it PETA, right-wing country music radio or the NASSAU COUNTY police department. . | Permalink Thursday, July 17, 2003 THE TEN PERCENTi finally got around to the hundreds of emails that i received when i was away on my trip to the middle east. ten percent of them were spam advertisements that offer VIAGRA online (i thought you needed a prescription), and the others were mostly from people who write to tell me what a foxy bitch/whore they think i am. alot of ladymen write me to find out where they can get sexy shoes that are sized big enough for larger gals, and the hair and make-up queries i get are also directed to the proper channels. letters from tranny-chasers are, of course, forwarded to all my friends and family for a chuckle. i’m always in a quandary as to how i should respond to the starry eyed dreamers who write me for advice on “making it in show business”. i want to write back and say “when i make it, i’ll let you know”, but i don’t. i usually play along with THE FAME GAME (the great hoax of mankind) by writing them back with “if you develop your craft and work really hard, it could happen”, fully aware and deliberately omitting the fact that it really takes ten percent talent and ninety percent luck. those aren’t very good odds, so who am i to tell DOROTHY that THE GREAT WIZARD is really just an old man behind a curtain with a loud P.A. system ? even so, would that have deterred me, all those years ago ? hell no. i understand that everybody wants to leave their mark on the world, but i’ve come to realize that the only significant mark i could leave behind is the love that i give and the love that i allow myself to receive. i’m not talking about the love from an audience, because in show business, one wrong move and the public will drop you faster than a “john” would a hooker with a canker sore ! i’m talking about the love between two people. if you want to touch people’s lives, try the person in front of you. oh yes, miss charles gon’ preach this evenin’ ! JACK DELICIOUS today, i shot a tv commercial for a fast food chain with restaurants in the western part of THE STATES called JACK IN THE BOX. the funny thing is that alot of people predicted that i would one day end up working in fast food (cue “rim shot” sound effect). the ad agency requested that i give them “classic RuPaul...yellow blond hair, big teeth and all legs”, and that’s exactly what i let them have. the architect of my look, MATHU GENIUS VON MONKEY-PAW ANDERSON concocted, teased and taunted my hair and then beat my defenseless mug into total submission. i have to admit i was very shocked and impressed that i could still look that way. we had alot of fun all day long, especially since we got ready at my house, which is only about a mile from UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, where the ad was filmed. once there, the party continued in the 30 ft. motor home/dressing room with my friend JACK (no relation to the client), TOM, JOELLE, GABRIEL, SARAH and MATHU. the running joke of the day was “monkey pox”, so at every possible juncture, the term was used as a punchline. everytime a tram carrying bus loads of people on the UNIVERSAL STUDIO TOUR would drive by our motor home, i would run outside in full “drags” and yell “monkey pox !!!” repeatedly, as the tourists waved, videotaped and photographed “classic RuPaul”. on set, my lines in the commercial were “honey, this sandwich is fierce !”, with the variations, “honey, this sandwich is flawless/fabulous !”. later, they let me adlib and i came up with “honey, this sandwich is JACK-ELICIOUS !”. they loved that and i bet they’ll use it. when we finished, MATHU shot a few rolls of film on me using the studio back lot as the back drop, and then later at my house, he got me into a bikini and into the pool for another roll. i can’t wait to see how those turn out. by sunset, everybody had gone home except for JACK (no relation to the client) and TOM, so we decided to go out for dinner. but before we left, TOM talked JACK into posing nude in a series of digital photographs using TOM’S crutches, my old back brace and some sunglasses as props. JACK is a big, sexy englishman, who also happens to be a hoot and a half. we laughed and laughed and laughed as i shot JACK’S...pictorial. not only was it JACK-ELICIOUS, it was JACK-ILARIOUS ! it was a wonderful day. . | Permalink Sunday, July 13, 2003 DRAG QUEEN SUICIDE BOMBER!by the time the day of my show rolled around, JOELLE and i had pretty much DONE ISRAEL. sure, we would have loved to visit HAIFA, which is north of TEL-AVIV and boosts a terrain much like SAN FRANCISCO, but 10 days away from home has always been my personal breaking point. daily, we had roamed the streets of TEL-AVIV like two insane crack whores, hellbent on racking up “big money ! big money !”. even the cats, who populate the city in the same way that squirrels do in L.A, began to look at us as if to say “meshuganah, you’re STILL here ?” indeed, we’d had our fill, but i still had yet to do what i came there for. during my epic 2 hour sound check at the club, one of the promoters offered to supply pyrotechnics for the finale of my show. two words immediately popped up in my head...GREAT WHITE ! i could see the headline, DRAG QUEEN SUICIDE BOMBER! i was about to decline, but then i thought “fuck it, what’s a visit to ISRAEL without an explosion or two ?”. my show went on at 3:30 in the morning, to a packed house of about 2000 of the most beautiful, sexy, young gay children that i had ever seen in my entire life. the room was filled with excitement as they let me know that i had made the right decision in staying the extra week. the love i felt was overwhelming, and i suddenly remembered why i got into show business in the first place...i love to perform (blow jobs). during my monologue, DANA INTERNATIONAL came out to present me with THE GAY KEY TO THE CITY. i was thrilled, not only to receive such an honor, but to meet ISRAEL’S biggest superstar. the show was going great and i was having a ball, and i didn’t even mind the 10 paparrazzi who surrounded the stage with their huge lenses all up in my grill, capturing my every sweaty move. SUPERMODEL, of course, is my finale,and during the musical intro to the song, i have just enough time to change my costume and then reappear for the opening chorus. just as we had rehearsed during sound check, the lighting guy set off the pyrotechnics on cue, right after i sing the line “you better work” POW ! “work it girl”. well, he got the cue right and the fireworks created a dazzling climax, but suddenly my backing track went completely silent. what did i do, you ask ? after 21 years in the business, i did the only thing a seasoned monster can do ! i sang the fucking song acappella, without missing a beat. the audience loved it ! they knew all the words, so they sang along with me. by song’s end, the testicle difficulties had not been worked out yet, so to give them more time to fix it, i went into a question and answer session with the crowd...ala RIKKI LAKE. one glamazon queen asked me “where do you put your dick ? i told her that i put it in soups and salads, and just about anything that i wanted to add a little extra zing. the next question was from a kid who wanted to know how old i am. i repeated the question to the audience and mugged my patented “what you talking ‘bout, willis ?” double take. after the laughter subsided, i answered his query in true black girl sassiness by saying “i’m old enough to kick yo mutha fuckin’ ass !”. then i kissed him and whispered into the microphone “meet me after the show, cutie”. with the sound problem repaired, i closed the show with my “work the runway” segment, using members of the audience who want to show off their “ouch-fits” (in most cases, the outfits turn out to be “oops-fits”). after four kids strutted their stuff, i stopped the music and pretended to be not satisfied with the display of “supermodels” that i had handpicked. i then made a plea for more “hot naked bodies”. i said “i came all the way to ISRAEL from LOS ANGELES, the least y’all could do is bring me more tits, more ass, and for CHRIST’S sake, bring me “the chosen cock” ! they laughed and obliged. all and all, i had a great time in THE HOLYLAND. the people, the history, the beauty and the show were all experiences that i will treasure for a lifetime. would i go back ? absolutely. . | Permalink Friday, July 11, 2003 AMNESIAwhy is it that when i step foot on a plane or go out of town, it’s so easy for me to break my eating and exercise regiment ? it’s as though i’ve been given a free pass to go buck wild. also forgotten is the fact that i don’t smoke cigarettes anymore, a fact you’d never know by the billowing smoke coming from my hotel window. yes, smoking is still permitted practically everywhere in ISRAEL, and by the seventh day of being there, i couldn’t resist anymore. i’ve been told that i use cigarettes as a “transitional object”, the same way a child would hold on to a blanket or a teddy bear as the child makes the transition from being a baby to a kindergartner. the transition feels less traumatic by holding on to a piece of what i’m leaving behind. i guess i use food the same way. LAST CALL my agent had returned from ISRAEL the week before we arrived there, and he strongly urged us to try a falafel when we got there. i love falafels and i’ve eaten some of the best tasting falafels that NEW YORK CITY has to offer. i thought, how in the world could you improve on perfection ? well, the answer came right in my mouth. i honestly couldn’t believe how much better the falafels over there tasted. the seasonings seemed heightened, more flavorful and the oil felt lighter, cleaner. an hour later, when we returned to relive the falafel nirvana, we suddenly realized that SHABATT had begun and that we couldn’t get anymore hot food until the next evening, when the sabbath was over. i suddenly got that same feeling i used to get when i learned that “last call” had already been given at the bar, but i somehow didn’t hear it. that feeling only made me want a drink even more, only this time, i was jonesing for a hot falafel. oh, the sheer devastation and utter disappointment. i was afraid for myself, not knowing what i would do or how far i would go, just to get a hot falafel in my mouth. . | Permalink Thursday, July 10, 2003 ON THE STROLLwe stayed at the DAVID INTER-CONTINENTAL HOTEL in TEL-AVIV, which is right on the beach. everytime we’d return to the hotel, our bags were checked for weapons. in fact, everytime we’d enter most buildings, our bags were checked and our bodies were scanned for weapons. that would have to be the most obvious difference between ISRAEL and THE STATES. everywhere we’d go, there’d be these very young men and women in army uniforms carrying large rifles. they all looked so gorgeous in their outfits, that i had to go out and find an army surplus store. i ended up getting two ISRAELI army uniforms, an orange beret, some red clay colored army boots and a couple of service pendants. the one and only time that i left the hotel without JOELLE, was when i walked up SHEINKEN street to check out some shops at around 8 o’clock at night. SHEINKEN is very trendy, not unlike 8TH st. in NYC or MELROSE in L.A. after browsing for about 45 minutes, i stepped into McDONALD’S for some french fries. at the counter, a young women approached me from behind and told me that she had just watched a film that i was in and that she and her friends would be honored if i sat at their table. i said “sure, lead the way”. her name was RONNIE and i liked her alot. she was 20 years old and she looked like CHRISTINA RICCI. her friends were two boys and one girl, all about the same age as RONNIE and gay. while we ate and talked, one of the boys told me that he had faked insanity to get out of the army after serving for a year. later, RONNIE invited me over to her apartment, which was right across the street, to read a script that she had written. she promised that it would take only 20 minutes to get through it. i said “yes”, which is something that i would never do in L.A. because every goddamned body in town has a fucking script that they’ve written, including the mailman. i secretly just wanted to see her apartment, which turned out to be a replica of my old living situations in the east village of NYC. it even had the obligatory old mannequin dressed up in kitschy thrift store clothes. from what i could tell, she had about 4 roommates, more or less. her script was about an ISRAELI girl who schemes her way to NYC to attend a MADOODOO concert. i liked the story, but the characters needed to be developed a little more. i told her to rent the greatest “road picture” of all time, THE WIZARD OF OZ, to scope how the characters change by the end of the movie. i ended up hanging out with them for about an hour and a half before returning to the hotel. MY NEW GOLDEN GIRLS it’s always a trip to see what AMERICAN tv shows make it into syndication over seas, and even stranger is the selection of tv channels that the hotels allot for their english speaking guests. because of the limited choices, i always end up watching things that i would have never given a second glance, had i been in THE STATES. case in point, THE GILMORE GIRLS. the two saturday afternoons that i spent in TEL-AVIV, they ran 4 episodes of that show back to back, and i am now thoroughly hooked. the show is completely stupid and unrealistic, but i totally love it to pieces. . | Permalink Wednesday, July 09, 2003 THE DEAD ZONEa little over an hour east of JERUSALEM lies THE DEAD SEA. en route, we crossed a desert that looks alot like the hilly parts of ARIZONA, except for the sheppard people who live in shanty tents on the sides of the hills and are dressed like extras from a CECIL B. DeMILLE epic. if you were to imagine the highway out of the panorama, you could swear it was 1000 B.C. we listened to BANANARAMA’S GREATEST HITS as our driver got up to speeds nearing 100 miles per hour and the temperature outside hovered somewhere around 100 degrees. we spent only 2 days at THE DEAD SEA, but trust me, that was quite enough. there was absolutely nothing else to do but lay on the beach all day and get into the hot salty sea, and that’s exactly how we spent JOELLE’S birthday. no slot machines, no strip clubs and no outlet malls. JOELLE read a book and i listened to my new IPOD with a catalog of 3000 songs (4500 more to fill it up). we had been warned to not dive into the sea because the sulfur rich water would burn our eyes and make us sick if it were ingested. what they didn’t tell us is that we’d be hard pressed to even try to get our heads underneath the watermark. because of the salt content (i’m guessing), you float on the surface of the water like the BART SIMPSON balloon at the MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE, all the while minerals are extracting toxins from your body. it was like taking a hot bath in a sea of epsom salt. it was a pretty cool experience, except that i scraped my toes and fingers on big pieces of rock salt in the water and it felt like a bee sting. JOELLE and i floated in the water for an hour at a time, with big straw hats and sunglasses in place. all the other sea soakers were well over 70 years old, presumably there for the water’s healing benefits. strangely, no fish or other creatures can survive in THE DEAD SEA, hence the name. . | Permalink Tuesday, July 08, 2003 JUSTIFIED AND ANCIENTafter the initial shock of the unexpected extension of our trip to ISRAEL, JOELLE and i soon realized that it was a godsend that we stayed an extra week. how could we have gone all the way over there and not planned a trip to JERUSALEM or THE DEAD SEA ? well, we rectified that oversight pronto. we hired a private tour guide named MOSHE (to be played by JERRY STILLER) to drive us down to JERUSALEM, which is only an hour south of TEL-AVIV. JERUSALEM was truly breathtaking and i was very moved by it emotionally. i kept saying to myself, this is the place where JESUS used to “kick it”. the city is also quite beautiful with it’s rolling hills and buildings made of limestone. at THE WAILING WALL, male visitors are lent YARMULKE’s (which i didn’t need because i was wearing a cowboy hat) and females are lent shawls to cover their shoulders. men and women are divided by a partition, women to the right and men to the left. even farther left is a doorway that leads to an indoor section of the wall for men only, very similar to the backroom at THE COCK in NEW YORK CITY, only with more lights on. MOSHE led me back there, where most of the men were hasidic jews. i felt like i had entered a sacred ceremony, which indeed i had. the men were praying out loud and rocking back and forth. i remember thinking to myself, wow, if the kids on the block i grew up on could see me now ! MOSHE was very informative, but also very long winded. by the time we got to the SEVENTH STATION OF THE CROSS, JOELLE and i were both more than willing to be crucified. our tour guide had used up all of the available disk space in our brains, and we were only two thirds of the way through OLD JERUSALEM. relief came in the form of TAL (played by the actor who sticks his dick in the apple pie in the movie AMERICAN PIE) and TALLY (a young MOLLY RINGWALD), two college kids we arranged to meet through TAL’S brother LIOR, a record producer i know from L.A. we had a meal with them, and later they took us to a used cd shop where i bought a U.K. edition of THE STYLISTICS GREATEST HITS. MANDINGO OF THE MIDDLE EAST although most of my friends would disagree, i don’t have “a type” of man that i’m attracted to. i love all types of men, but if i had to narrow it down, at the top of my “most yummy list” would be the men of ISRAEL and BRAZIL. that’s why, when the offer to go to ISRAEL came through, i thought to myself...hmmm, big lips, golden skin, hairy chest, sandy colored hair and green eyes all wrapped up in army fatigues...JOELLE, pack my pussycat wig, we’re going to the land of “the chosen cock”. although, i didn’t make that love connection, it was worth it to just feast my eyes on all the sex machines that populate the region. funny enough, we were supposed to go to BRAZIL on july 12th, but the gig fell through. HERE’S A LIST OF THE NEW AND USED CD’S I BOUGHT IN ISRAEL : 1. debbie harry...rockbird (out of print) 2. diana king...respect (never released in the states) 3. lisa stansfield...biography (w/bonus cd) 4. mica paris...i never felt like this before (maxi single) 5. jade...don’t walk away (maxi single) 6. carl douglas...kung fu fighting (full length album) 7. visage...best of visage 8. the three degrees...sing the three degrees 9. minnie riperton...come into my garden (her 1970 debut) 10. the stylistics...greatest hits tomorrow’s blog: ALIVE ON THE DEAD SEA . | Permalink Monday, July 07, 2003 ROADMAP TO PEACE, LOVE AND HAIR GREASEon june 25th, JOELLE and i flew to TEL-AVIV, with a layover in TORONTO, on a trip that would have us back in LOS ANGELES by sunday the 29th of june. i’d been invited to perform at http://www.dome.co.il/ as part of their gay pride celebration. over the past 10 years, i’ve been invited to perform in ISRAEL several times, but due to scheduling and just plain fear on my part, it never materialized. this time, when the offer came through, i figured what the fuck, it’s now or never, especially since a) when will it ever be safe to travel to the MIDDLE EAST ? and b) i don’t plan on doing shows for the rest of my life. a week before the trip, my sisters announced over lunch that they felt uneasy about my sojourn to THE HOLYLAND and that they didn’t want me to go. i reminded them that i had survived living in NEW YORK CITY for over 14 years and that the MIDDLE EAST CONFLICT couldn’t be worst than the war between mama and daddy during our childhood. they agreed and sent me off with their cautious blessing. ten minutes before touchdown in TEL-AVIV, the flight attendant handed me a note saying that my luggage had not made the flight and that it would arrive on the next aircraft, which we later found out would be saturday morning. my show was to be friday night. needless to say, the promoters were in a frenzy. they offered to take me on an all expense paid shopping spree to get me the best costumes that shekels could buy. unfortunately, building a glamorous monster isn’t that simple. even if i could fit into clothes from off the rack, i wouldn’t wear them on stage. the whole concept of being “the queen bee” is to possess what others cannot have...ie, custom everything, not to mention all the pulleys, levers, wrenches and lug nuts it takes to make a 42 year old man look like a “foxy lady”. i don’t expect anyone short of a rocket scientist or a nuclear physicist to understand the mechanics of putting HUMPTY DUMPTY back together again, but JOELLE did her best to help them comprehend it. since salvaging friday night’s show was out of the question, we had two options left. either we take the 24 hour (door to door) journey back to HOLLYWOOD LAND and still be paid (as per my contract), or we stay in the HOLYLAND and reschedule the show for the following week, foregoing my every other year family reunion on the 4th of july weekend and JOELLE’S planned birthday celebration on july 3rd. it was my call. i chose to stay. tomorrow, more on my ROADMAP TO PEACE, LOVE AND HAIR GREASE. plus, my observations on what my friend FLLOYD calls "the chosen cock". . | Permalink Sunday, July 06, 2003 SHALOMi just returned from a 10 day trip to ISRAEL. i’ve got lots to report, but i’m too jet-hagged right now to write a detailed blog. check out tomorrow’s entry for the scoop. . | Permalink 2009 RuCo, Inc.—All Rights Reserved |
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