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Sunday, July 13, 2003

DRAG QUEEN SUICIDE BOMBER!

by the time the day of my show rolled around, JOELLE and i had pretty much DONE ISRAEL. sure, we would have loved to visit HAIFA, which is north of TEL-AVIV and boosts a terrain much like SAN FRANCISCO, but 10 days away from home has always been my personal breaking point. daily, we had roamed the streets of TEL-AVIV like two insane crack whores, hellbent on racking up “big money ! big money !”. even the cats, who populate the city in the same way that squirrels do in L.A, began to look at us as if to say “meshuganah, you’re STILL here ?” indeed, we’d had our fill, but i still had yet to do what i came there for.

during my epic 2 hour sound check at the club, one of the promoters offered to supply pyrotechnics for the finale of my show. two words immediately popped up in my head...GREAT WHITE ! i could see the headline, DRAG QUEEN SUICIDE BOMBER! i was about to decline, but then i thought “fuck it, what’s a visit to ISRAEL without an explosion or two ?”.

my show went on at 3:30 in the morning, to a packed house of about 2000 of the most beautiful, sexy, young gay children that i had ever seen in my entire life. the room was filled with excitement as they let me know that i had made the right decision in staying the extra week. the love i felt was overwhelming, and i suddenly remembered why i got into show business in the first place...i love to perform (blow jobs).

during my monologue, DANA INTERNATIONAL came out to present me with THE GAY KEY TO THE CITY. i was thrilled, not only to receive such an honor, but to meet ISRAEL’S biggest superstar. the show was going great and i was having a ball, and i didn’t even mind the 10 paparrazzi who surrounded the stage with their huge lenses all up in my grill, capturing my every sweaty move.

SUPERMODEL, of course, is my finale,and during the musical intro to the song, i have just enough time to change my costume and then reappear for the opening chorus. just as we had rehearsed during sound check, the lighting guy set off the pyrotechnics on cue, right after i sing the line “you better work” POW ! “work it girl”. well, he got the cue right and the fireworks created a dazzling climax, but suddenly my backing track went completely silent. what did i do, you ask ? after 21 years in the business, i did the only thing a seasoned monster can do ! i sang the fucking song acappella, without missing a beat. the audience loved it ! they knew all the words, so they sang along with me.

by song’s end, the testicle difficulties had not been worked out yet, so to give them more time to fix it, i went into a question and answer session with the crowd...ala RIKKI LAKE. one glamazon queen asked me “where do you put your dick ? i told her that i put it in soups and salads, and just about anything that i wanted to add a little extra zing. the next question was from a kid who wanted to know how old i am. i repeated the question to the audience and mugged my patented “what you talking ‘bout, willis ?” double take. after the laughter subsided, i answered his query in true black girl sassiness by saying “i’m old enough to kick yo mutha fuckin’ ass !”. then i kissed him and whispered into the microphone “meet me after the show, cutie”.

with the sound problem repaired, i closed the show with my “work the runway” segment, using members of the audience who want to show off their “ouch-fits” (in most cases, the outfits turn out to be “oops-fits”). after four kids strutted their stuff, i stopped the music and pretended to be not satisfied with the display of “supermodels” that i had handpicked. i then made a plea for more “hot naked bodies”. i said “i came all the way to ISRAEL from LOS ANGELES, the least y’all could do is bring me more tits, more ass, and for CHRIST’S sake, bring me “the chosen cock” ! they laughed and obliged.

all and all, i had a great time in THE HOLYLAND. the people, the history, the beauty and the show were all experiences that i will treasure for a lifetime. would i go back ? absolutely.

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Posted by Ru on Sunday, July 13, 2003 at Sunday, July 13, 2003 | Permalink

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