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Saturday, February 09, 2008 to feel my feelingswhen i was 5 years old, my mother poured gasoline all over my father's car and with a pack of matches in her hands screamed at him "dare me, motherfucker! dare me to light this goddamned match!". the car was parked in our garage, which was attached to our house. if she had struck the match, my mother and father would have burned to death and our house would have burned to the ground.in my memory of the scene, i'm watching the whole thing as if i were a camera outside my body. the camera is getting dolly shots of me and my sisters standing across the street emotionless, wide shots of the crowd looking on in horror, and of course, close up shots of my parents ...after all, it was their movie, we were just extras. as a defense mechanism, my feelings had separated from my body. too much trauma for a 5 year old to negotiate. i couldn't afford to feel my feelings. problem was, they stayed outside my body until i learned how to process them almost 35 years later. fast forward to last night when i found out Sami had died. i felt nothing. my reaction was calm and emotionless....automatic shut down mode. i wondered if all the emotional reparative work i'd done been in vain. FUCK! i went to bed at 9pm and awoke at 3am in full on grief, the tears flowing, the sadness overwhelming. i miss my friend. i love him very much. i feel powerless and wounded, but i find solace in knowing that i can feel.  (L to R) Sami, Bernadette, Tom | Permalink 2009 RuCo, Inc.—All Rights Reserved |
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