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Tuesday, May 10, 2005 SHIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!before i had a weblog, i would write mini-essays chronicling my new life in LOS ANGELES and send them to my friends via email. most of these compositions were lost after my computer crashed, but a few days ago, my buddy JOHN BOWE told me he still had the one i wrote after i experienced my first HIGH COLONIC. he was kind enough to forward it to me, so i now present it to my blog readers almost five years after it was written, and several colonics later. OOOPS! I THINK I SHITTED AGAIN! Fri. 10 Nov 2000 my colonic irrigation was a complete success! free at last, free at last. thank GOD almighty i'm free at last! before my appointment, i imagined it would be done in some seedy dive with live chickens roaming around a backroom featuring overhead fluorescent lighting. i imagined the administer to be some illegal alien wearing yellow dishwashing gloves and a two year old toddler on her hip. she'd come out from behind raggedy curtains and scream "who next!" then, the lady poo technician would lead me to some smelly, damp hole in the wall with a T.V. in the corner blaring THE PEOPLE'S COURT. i had imagined she'd stick a long metal prong-thing up my ass, like the ones they use to do liposuction, and aggressively scrape the walls of my lovin' oven. or even worse, she'd fill me to the brim with cold sudsy water using one of those high powered hoses from the do-it-yourself carwash! unable to hold it in, my bowels would explode all over the room, leaving me humiliated and emotionally scarred for life. oh the horror! add to all of that, the embarrassment we all have in our culture with anything to do with bodily functions. yes, i'm talking about "shit shame". i'm pretty sure that "shit shame" is what kept me (and most people) from ever doing a "high colonic" before. but, it was always the promise of erasing my past from the inside out that kept me intrigued. who could blame me for wanting to get rid of all the chewing gum i swallowed as a kid? chewing gum that was presumably still stuck in the nooks and crannies of my intestinal lineage. instead of the horror story i imagined, the facility was a clean street level medical office with holistic touches here and there. new age music and incense created a calm, sanctuary feeling. a serene asian woman named MAY led me to a room that was not unlike a doctor's examining room, except the lights were dim. everything was very clean. MAY'S energy made me feel very safe, comfortable and relaxed. after i changed into a hospital gown (no sequins or beads), MAY returned and explained how the process would proceed. she showed me the "never been opened", "sealed in the plastic", sanitized hose that would be used. i got up on the table and laid in a semi fetal position on my left side. she then instructed me to insert the tip of the hose into my rectum. well, i'm no stranger to ass insertion. "just the tip ?" i asked. i think MAY was very impressed with my unflinching finesse. she had me stop at only three inches! "thats all?" i said. i told her i could barely feel it! ("wake me when you're done..."). with the hose securely up my poop chute, i eased onto my back, feet flat, knees up. warm water entered through a separate canal in the hose, after a few minutes, waste was extracted through another canal in the same hose. mounted on the wall near my feet, there was a laboratory-like backlit monitor with two tubes that showed what was going in and what was coming out. i decided to not look at the monitor, but MAY did as if she was reading my future, and clearly my past. MAY gently massaged my stomach and key pressure points on my arms, legs and neck, while always reminding me to breathe. i focused on releasing my past and letting go of old resentments. it felt wonderful and there was absolutely no smell or leakage whatsoever. forty-five minutes later it was done, and my stomach felt flat as a board and my body felt light as a feather. i had finally achieved a rootie-tootie fresh & fruity booty! i started to fantasize about having a high colonic system installed in my house. i pictured myself backing that as up everyday, whenever i wanted. WORD! i asked if i could schedule an appointment for tomorrow, but MAY said come back in three weeks. i can't wait until my next visit. i was very proud that i had successfully jumped a massive hurdle in my quest to eradicate "shit shame" from my life. now i'm looking forward to eliminating shame (and shit) from other areas of my mind, body and spirit! colonically yours ,ru aka shitney spears. Fri. 10 Nov 2000 . | Permalink 2009 RuCo, Inc.—All Rights Reserved |
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