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Saturday, December 27, 2003 THE GIFT THAT MONEY CANNOT BUYwe all got together at my sister ROZY'S house, here in L.A. for christmas this year. as usual, the men folk stayed in the den to watch some sort of sports thingy on television, the boy children aptly played GAME BOY upstairs, and the rest of us gathered around the dining room table to play the home edition of PASSWORD that i had brought over. my sisters, ROZY and RENAE, are currently boycotting playing games with me because they say i’m "too competitive". me and RENETTA are now the reigning champs. as the years go by, i can honestly say that i love and enjoy my family more and more. this year, i successfully avoided buying any christmas gifts, which was a gift in and of itself. i don't need a reason to gift someone. i do it when the fancy strikes me, but i will buy some things today for ROZY'S daughter, OLIVIA. tomorrow, she turns 5 years old, and i'm planning to feed her latest obsession with LIZZIE McGUIRE, who she's quick to point out is really HILARY DUFF. the day after christmas, i was surprised by an unannounced visit from a friend who i hadn't seen in a year. normally, i would've played possum and not answered the door on such a call, but for some reason i did. after he came in and sat down, it was clear to me that he had been "tweakin’ on tina" for several days and needed somebody to talk to (or at). he was unhappy and lonely, so i couldn't just tell him to go home, get some sleep and call me tomorrow. ultimately, i was thankful for his visit because it reminded me of where i don't want to be. vicariously through him, i was able to look at my own currently dormant drug addiction and see how insidious and painful it was. i remembered how getting high for me, towards the end, was like pouring gasoline on my self-loathing. it would fuel this emotional spiral downward, to which i had no defense. don't get it twisted, i can still spiral downward, but 4 years later, i have tools that help me to avoid a crash-bang-boom, or at least catch it before it goes that far. i was only able to learn and apply these tools after i got a clear head. my friend doesn't know it, but his appearance at my doorstep was truly a gift. p.s. - i don’t have anything against drugs and alcohol or the people who use them. i used for 29 years, and for 20 of those years i had a terrific time. eventually, it became clear to me that i had been using them in order to smother old hurts and bad feelings that were left unattended, and had subsequently grown to monolithic proportions, leaving me numb and emotionally paralyzed. i asked for help, and with the help of some "friends", i learned how to process old feelings and grow into new ones. today, the allure of "outer space" holds no weight with me, but i fully acknowledge it's usefulness for others on the journey. do yo' thang, mommy! i ain't mad at 'cha. . | Permalink 2009 RuCo, Inc.—All Rights Reserved |
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