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Wednesday, August 07, 2002

A POST-OP LADYKINS

first of all, i wanna thank all the people who sent me love from around the world during my hospital stay. your love energy really made the difference in the outcome of my operation and my recovery, and i thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

XANADU

i arrived at cedars-sinai hospital monday morning at 6 a.m. and by 10:30 a.m. i was waking up in the recovery room. my micro-disectomy procedure was a complete success and i have no complaints. in fact, the entire three days i spent in the hospital was pure joy. the first day, i was hooked up to this I/V that had a button attached to it, which allowed me to self-administer a fabulous pain reliever called DILAUDID. oh happy day! when i was in HIGH school, dilaudid was a really big thing. it’s a first cousin to the QUAALUDE. every eight minutes i would press that button and be delivered to xanadu on a blanket of euphoria. i stayed in bed the entire day thanks to a convenient pee bottle that the nurse provided. all the rooms at cedars-sinai are singles, so i was never disturbed by someone moaning or snoring or dying. it was just me and that clever little button every eight minutes. nobody needed to know that i have had a special relationship with drugs in the past, it would just be my little secret.

NIRVANA

on the second day, they unhooked the oxygen tube that flowed up my nose and turned off the leg massager that kept my blood from clotting and disconnected my sweet ass I/V which carried the liquid love directly into my bloodstream. but no worries mate, from here on out they would give me a shot of dilaudid every 4 hours chased by 2 vicodin a couple of hours later. WOO WHO ! was i dreaming or what ? had i really died on the operating table and gone to some junkie heaven ? of course it goes without saying, that i would religiously watch the clock on the wall anticipating my next injection. and with not a second past 4 hours, i would buzz the nurse for my medicine. when she’d walk into my room carrying that needle, it looked better to me than a ten inch cock ! i had found nirvana ! after nurse betty would leave, i’d turn off the lights, program a dionne warwick set in my ipod, put my headphones on and drift away on a cloud so transparent it was naked to the human eye.

CUBA

wednesday morning, when my doctor walked in and asked if i wanted to stay another night i said HELL YES. my reply was not based solely upon the gorgeous supply of drugs that the hospital had to offer, but also on the fact that i was still having some difficulty getting in and out of bed. i mean, i did have friggin’ surgery on my back. they had me walking the halls 4 times a day, but trust...it was very, very slowly. they told me that it was really important for me to walk as much as i could. i would hobble the hospital floors at five in the morning wearing a burberry bucket hat and a japanese kimono, listening to CHER in my headphones (thank God i brought my ipod). the hospital staff could not have been any nicer, they were absolutely lovely. my favorite was the male nurse from cuba (he’d be played by antonio banderas).

THE TRICKLE DOWN THEORY

i was released thursday morning with the instructions to “not over do it” and “to take it easy”, which is exactly what i’ve been doing. sunday, i got behind the wheel of my vehicle to drive to tom’s house. the driving aggravated my back a little, but i had to see THE ANNA NICOLE SHOW. i loved it ! what a train wreck ! i can’t wait to see next week ! she had to have been on the same medication i was on when i was in the hospital. ANNA looked just like the late, great GINGER RODGERS, right before her death, all bloated and painted up like a “baby jane sex doll”. how perfect would she be for the next JOHN WATERS film ? when she gets her settlement, she’ll be excellent for the los angeles economy, everyone will benefit. i mean, the trickle down theory will be astounding, doctors, drug dealers, lawyers, plastic surgeons, hustlers, interior designers...etc. it’s a real live BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

THE QUEEN OF HICK/HOP

monday night, i took adrian to see SORDID LIVES. it was my first time sitting in a movie theater since the last time i saw SORDID LIVES. it was even better the second time around. yesterday, i found out that my connection at the HOUSE OF BLUES had been laid off. which means that i ain’t gonna get to see DOLLY PARTON tonight. now that’s really fucked up !

A.I. (artificial idol)

i predict that nikki will be booted off the island tonight, although i wish it were r.j. who gets the boot.

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Posted by Ru on Wednesday, August 07, 2002 at Wednesday, August 07, 2002 | Permalink

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