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Wednesday, January 16, 2002 LOVE AND FEAR ...AND LOATHING IN KNOXVEGASwhen i was a kid, my mother and father would beat the shit out of each other. the sound of glass breaking, cussing and fighting would ring in my five year old ears. but the worst sound of all was the silence between them. sometimes i would ask...what's wrong mama ? and she would answer...nothing's wrong. in my gut i knew something was very wrong. but here was my mother, my guardian, my teacher telling me that my instinct and my truth were not accurate. i thought...should i trust my mother or my instinct ? needless to say, i choose to believe my mother and i've spent alot of time in my life pretending that everything was just fine, when deep down inside i knew that it really wasn't. the milton berle incident is a perfect example of me ignoring my gut when he was power tripping me in the dressing room. before we went on stage i got very mad at myself for allowing him to treat me that way and decided to get him back, live on stage in front of 20 million people. i made a big fool out of myself that night, all because my ego was hurt. there are really only two emotions, love and fear, and that night i reacted to his fear with my fear. the whole thing triggered some old wounds from my childhood (.i,e..my feelings were being ignored) so i came out swinging. what i should have done is pulled him to the side backstage before we went on and said ...hey man, i wanna be honest with you and talk heart to heart. you don't have to be threatened by me. you are a child of god and nobody can change that. or maybe just've said that to myself. now, many years later, it's a constant struggle for me to stay in the moment where my truth and intuition live. trusting my gut is a fairly new thing for me and i can't afford to ignore my gut feelings about anything. when i check in with myself i ask ...is this a healthy situation for me ? what can i do to make it more loving ? i don't ignore the answer. as an adult, i'm the guardian of my spirit, my child and i'm not going to knowingly put them in jeopardy or disrespect them or allow anyone else disrespect them. the radio interview on friday had me asking myself ...are these people coming from a place of love ? the answer was no. what could i have done differently ? should i have told them to kiss my ashy black ass and fuck off ? maybe. my goal is to always come from a place of love ...but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker. . | Permalink 2009 RuCo, Inc.—All Rights Reserved |
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