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Wednesday, January 09, 2002 I AM NOT AN ANIMAL ! -the elephant mansaturday night, me and a friend went to club make-up at the el rey theater here in hollywood. club make-up is a party that happens once a month with a different theme every month. saturday night the theme was david bowie. it was alot of fun to see all the children dressed up in their glamrock rags, not to mention hearing the fabulous bowie catalog thrusting through the sound system. it all reminded me of my tenth grade in high school when i carried a magic marker around with me so that i could write bowie on everything that wasn't moving. that was also the year that i got to see bowie's station to station tour ! as my friend and i checked out the party, a few people kindly asked me if they could have a picture taken with me and i said sure, no problem!. if i'm not busy taking a piss or eating my dinner, i have no problem signing something or having a picture snapped. in truth, i know that if people stop asking for it, i'm probably out of business! from there we went to the queen mary, a showbar not unlike the club in the movie the birdcage . we stayed for about 45 minutes and then decided to get a bite to eat at jerry's deli on ventura blvd. our food was served to deep fried perfection and we dug in. as i'm gettin jiggy with some extra crispy french fries and a well done grilled cheese sandwich on rye, two young ladies approached our table with pen and paper napkin in hand. now, i didn't need to call miss cleo, the tarot card lady on t.v. to find out what they wanted. they wanted me to autograph their paper napkin. ok reader, this is where i need you to take an empathetic journey with me. because the dialog i'm about to cross over into is very taboo. every celebrity knows that one must never speak of it in mixed company for fear of being labeled a conceited, self centered nobody, who should be happy that anyone would even want their autograph. i've dealt with this situation in every possible way : while sitting on the toilet, or with a finger probing my ass in the doctors office, with my mouth wide open in a dentist chair and any number of other compromising and vulnerable situations. and in the end you must either compromise your dignity or compromise your image. so, dear reader, what would you do ? a) chew and swallow the remaining food that's in your mouth. wipe your hands and graciously sign the paper napkin. b) politely explain to the women that you are necessitating your basic human need to eat and that it's very rude and insensitive of them to interrupt your personal time just so that they can get validation from their friends and co-workers later, by showing off your autograph. help them to understand that if they really cared about you as a person, and not thought of you as a cartoon character, they would simply blow you a kiss or give you the thumbs up or just wait until after you've finished eating before approaching you (the same courtesy one would give the family dog). c) spit your food out, grab a butter knife and point it at them while screaming... fuck off, bitches! p.s- when i finally met david bowie at a dinner party five years ago, he was very kind. i managed to keep my composure long enough to get downstairs to the sidewalk where i screamed my head off and cried hysterically. p.s.s- in 1980, david bowie made his broadway acting debut in ...the elephant man. . . | Permalink 2009 RuCo, Inc.—All Rights Reserved |
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